||[20 Jul 2004|11:54pm]
i am x posting in _thinlikeher, _thinspiration_, _thinspire, ana_diaries, anagirlz,aussie_ana, elite_ana, inspirational_, ohno___ana, perfectandpure, sexy_anorexia, str1p_it_away & vanity_lbs to say goodbye
i am, again, attempting recovery. but i will win this time! i am sure of it. this is what i want, i want my life back. not to please others or out of fear anymore but for myself .. i deserve to be a normal , happy seventeen year old girl again.
i don't like who my ED turns me into .. i am sick of the tears, the obsession, the pain, the starving, the guilt, the bingeing, abusing my body, abusing my mind, hating myself, pushing away my friends, the unattainable goals, the pressure, the disappointment, the lies, the broken dreams .. everything, all off it!
so i am finally ready to let go and i am so, so very lucky that i still have people who love me enough through this to want to catch me.
my ED is stopping my body from changing, stopping me from changing my body, blocking my mind out to change. so, it must go now.
because Japan and my whole future means fare too much to me to lose to an Ana fantasy (crashing disappointments one after another).
i want to live my life, enjoy it, enjoy each day, enjoy the future and the NOW, smile, enjoy and love myself .. love being ME .. i want to be so much more than beauty, i want to love myself enough to be worthy of being loved. and SHINE!
i am done taking the easy way out, hiding from reality & inevitably growing, using my ED as a comfort blanket (that i am drowning myself in, falling and fading). i am learning to do it properly .. proper diet, weight loss & exercise without starving, abusing my body, binge, consuming my entire time/life/mind, obsession, and messing with dangerously with my health and metabolism.
i don't even have to hide away and lie and be embaresed and feel selfish and guilt ridden. and i feel happy! and healthy (which is no longer a dirty word)! whoopiee!
of course, i still dream of 90 - 100 lbs and adore MK,twiggy,james,mena,devon etc (healing also takes focus and time) but i hope as my mind clears i will like the idea of 110 or even 120 lbs more&more. and be happy to settle for thin, rather than thinnest. to see things the way they do (the happy un-obbsessed clear headed type, that is).
i am sorry if i am annoying/upsetting anyone (or un-triggering those who wish to be triggerd?) , really .. i am not here to preach recovery (because i know how annoying/confusing/pointless it is when you don't want to hear it, i've been there remember.) i wouldn't waste of my time trying.
so, i am un - friending this community but i would like stay a member (just to check up on everybody every-so-often), if you nobody minds, of course.
but you can talk to me, okay? recovery or not. about anything. so, dont be strangers hey!
MSN / email: email@example.com , AIM: melodyarden
i will keep this lj, __holiday , too .. for all my diet / recovery / ED related things.
i will miss you all, my sisters and our secret society .. a sort of sick fun
& wish you the very best of luck & really do hope all of your dreams come true, and you get to where you want to be (or look the way you want to look) so you can, eventually, be happy too .
but don't waste too much of your lives trying if your wasting your present waiting for the future that never comes.